ADDITIONAL AUTHOR NOTES: Judging from the mail I've gotten in the past 24 hours about "Dana Scully's Guide to Self-Improvement," almost everyone thinks that I've had their living rooms bugged this season--they've been yelling for Scully to whup Mulder upside the head and knock some sense into him. What do you do when you've tried rational, and gentle, and artful persuasion, and he *still* doesn't 'get it'? Maybe you just 'lose it.' Of course, there was the sentiment that Mulder deserved equal time, and this is the result. This time it's not HangDog!Mulder or Conciliatory!Mulder who gets the microphone--PigGuy!Mulder is going toe-to-toe with KungFu!Scully.

DISCLAIMER:

NEW THIS FALL! from McFarlane Toys--

THE X-FILES------>BACK TO THE FUTURE

Collect these Series Three Figures:

*   Attack!Scully comes packaged with Primitive!Mulder holding sandwich.

*   Agent!Mulder, dressed in arctic weather gear, comes packaged with Arcadia!Scully, a fashionable sofa, blankets, and a TV dinner.

*   AssistantDirector!Skinner comes packaged with a special man-made chamber called the Hoover Building. Some assembly required.

Coming soon: Transforming Krycek and Spender. Don't delay, order yours today!

Earth to Scully, come in Scully! Care to explain what that little literary masterpiece of salty sailor language was all about? One moment you're rational, the next this strident declaration of 'how Fox Mulder done you wrong' comes flying in my face. Jiminy Cricket, G-Woman, I just hate it when PMS gets the better of you.

1. Respect

As they said in the Godzilla remake, "Size does matter." I may have a single neuron, but it's taller than you are. <gasp!> So sorry, I made a funny. It's no disability to have that short Y chromosome, Scully, because the rest of the stuff that's stuck on your X chromosome is genetic information for liking yappy little dogs, wearing green face goop, and being anal retentive about apartment cleanliness.

You are a hard woman, Dana. I went to the ends of the Earth for you, almost sold my soul to the Consortium, even remembered to take your necklace out of my pocket before I sent the jacket to the cleaners. I wouldn't do that for just anybody. So, yes, it is your fault: if I didn't respect you so much I wouldn't have converted all my frequent flyer miles for that ticket to Antarctica. I was really looking forward to that next no-cost trip to Graceland, too.

And don't bring the poster into this. I have a lot of fond memories about that poster.

I'm not tied up in words, Honeybunch. If you don't like to spell 'partner' s-i-d-e-k-i-c-k, fine by me. Paperwork is part of the job--certainly you want to do your share, yes? Fine, what's your problem with that? Letting you process the paperwork *is* respect for your talents; you think I'd let just anyone justify my expenses in the field? And another thing: your taunts about weapons replacements were really--dare I say it, Scully?--'cheap shots.' You may be a better marksperson, but you've dropped your weapon as many times as I have. It's easier for you to find, that's all, what with you being so much closer to the ground.

2. Work

Dana Katherine Scully: brilliant, saintly, self-sacrificing. When can I meet that woman? The Scully I'm having to endure is a shrill-voiced harridan from some really bad 50s melodrama. There's the eyebrow again--did you know, one of these days your face will freeze like that. I hate to break this to you, but being chased down, chewed up, and spit out by nasty monsters is _man's work_. There's gratitude for you: 302s and general backup are safer, but does Ms. Feminist Agent appreciate it? No. May I remind you that I wasn't the one in non-regulation undies asking to be felt up during our first field assignment. You were more than happy to have a real man that night.

I've never asked you to feed my ego--hell, I couldn't even get you to make me a lousy sandwich--so I'm at a loss to explain your persecution complex. Part of the job, part of the territory, is arguing theories. Now, if you can't take a little ribbing about the close-minded doozies you try to slip by me, perhaps you need to get a new attitude about work. If you're holding your breath for applause or a commendation every time you do even a half-way decent job, you're going to resemble a Druid in no time flat. "Oh, Wode is Me!"

The crack about hosing a picture of Kersh? We psychologists call that 'penis envy.' Face it, Scully: the only way you're gonna get balls *is* in a bag.

3. Trust and Love

Yes, you're the only one I trust, or, to be more precise, you're the only one I trust all the time. But you seem to be under the misapprehension that I should *act* on the trust I have in you. That's a charming and rather silly notion, Dana Dear. Your defamation of Diana--and it was really uncalled for to haul the Lone Gunmen into this--simply points up your inability to separate work from play and professional from personal. And if a spare flea collar were around, I know one bitch who could use it. Bow-wow, Dana.

Apparently you read too much into the Arcadia assignment. That's the only explanation for your tirade about mothering and babies and diaper poop. Trust is particularly important when it comes to undercover assignments, Agent Scully, and there were times in Arcadia when you, yes YOU, jeopardized our cover by not playing the happy little wifey. I had to pull out all the stops during that assignment to balance your frigid attitude and make the Petries seem believable. It was an assignment, a job, Dana--nothing personal.

Be a guy about this, Scully. Think of our partnership as a buddy flick. We fight the bad guys, we each do what we do best. I'm best at managing the assignments, intuiting cases, and reaching things on the top shelf. You have a real gift for doing paperwork, corroborating lab evidence, and making nice-nice with the AD. Go with it, Scully.

Love? What's love got to do with it? Love means openness, Scully. Love means unconditional trust. Love means earned respect. Not "I'm frigging fine, Mulder," not mopey whining about past partners, not thinly-veiled resentfulness about getting to drive or toilet seats. I need someone who can co-investigate the X-Files, someone who can be a guide to those mysteries, a companion, someone who can seek the Truth with me without distractions.

Which brings me to item 4.

4. Is something bothering you?